Alone in the Dark

>:|||

I haven’t been this fucking pissed off at a movie before in my life.

All through the movie, I was hoping, praying for a single acknowledgement of the fucking video game, but did I get anything? The dude’s name is Edward Carnby. That’s about as close as I get. Thank you, Uwe Boll.

Dude… The video game was set in the 1920’s, it had to do with haunted mansions, private investigators, exploration, puzzle solving, Cthulhu mythos, and what else? Oh yeah, it was actually scary? Like a horror game is supposed to be? Someone needs to tell Uwe Boll that horror does not equal heavy metal music, guns a-blazin’, Alien rip-offs and titties.

There was no structure, no coherency, no consistency, gaping plot holes, horrifying acting, unfitting musical scores, completely uneffective moments of gore, a story that interests absolutely no one, and an abuse of the title Alone in the Dark. Not only does it have exactly nothing to do with the video game, but none of the characters are alone, and it’s not even dark, because everything’s exploding.

I was hoping this would be Mystery Science Theatre bad, Ed Wood bad, the kind of bad you can chuckle at and makes jokes at over popcorn and coke, but no. Uwe has a special kind of magic with his film-making that makes you angry over missed opportunities, unresolved plot threads, the mishmash of special effects, grade school quality acting and the aformentioned plot holes the size of a small moon. I still don’t know what was up with the symbiotes, what was up with the doctor, what happened with the Bureau, how this darkness connected with the ancient Indian society, or why Nightwish were playing over the credits.

My only comfort is that, apparently, Christian Slater and Tara Reid dies at the end. It’s a shame it’s only implied, I would’ve liked to see their entrails splattering over the camera lens and Tara’s brain mushed over the pavement.